I have not babysat since 7th grade, but I somehow agreed to watch an 11 and a seven-year-old for 10 days. Here is my journey...
  1. The girls have two guinea pigs. On night one they pooped on my bed 15 times. I freaked out so much I scared them and then they peed.
  2. I was shamed by a homeschooled 11-year-old for not knowing who a current YouTube star is
  3. To bring hope to the world, the seven-year-old had never heard of Miley Cyrus🙌🏻
  4. The 11-year-old gave my dog a haircut without asking me
  5. I have had to hold and pet and pretend to love two guinea pigs and a hamster. If you have not seen these animals up close since you were a child, they basically are like giant rats and I hate them
  6. "No offense, but I can see some of your gray hairs." THANKS 7 year old.
  7. "What did you use to talk to people back in the olden days before FaceTime?"
  8. Just found out the girls share a toothbrush
  9. 7 year old told me my part is all wrong, then proceeded to part my hair with a pen
  10. Seven-year-old just decided to drink milk from a bowl by lapping it up with her tongue and eat dog food. No one prompted her on this, it was all just a random decision on her own
  11. 11-year-old just asked me if I knew how to tell when someone was a boy😳 then she told me what she learned about Adams apples😝
  12. After I finally got the girls to bed I sat down and poured myself a glass of wine and started watching TV. I heard the seven-year-old out of bed so I went upstairs to get her back to bed, and when I came down the 11-year-old was sitting on the couch drinking milk from a wine glass
  13. Seven-year-old wrote a note and tied to a string and dropped it down the stairs for me to read. When I opened it up it was filled with guinea pig poop
  14. Pro tip: check to see the toy you let a 7 year old buy as "treat" is not a recorder 🙉
  15. Also, don't volunteer to sit in on a 7 year old practicing violin🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉
  16. It is Sunday night and I just found out the girls' shared toothbrush has been missing since yesterday morning
  17. I found the 7 year old in the bathroom watching full house on my iPad. Dad-style, like for 30 minutes. She also forgot to flush💩
  18. 11 year old just paid $20 in change for a guinea pig sweater
  19. Static
    When a 7 year old does your nails
  20. 7 year old just hid in the refrigerator
  21. 11 year old took a picture of her sisters butt crack and made it my phone wallpaper
  22. 7 year old ran out of TP so rather than getting a new roll (under the bathroom sink easily accessible) she tried to use the empty cardboard roll
  23. I found an empty bag of pepperoni in the bathtub. 11 year old confessed to eating it as her "bathtime snack"
  24. 11 year old put my phone in a bag of dog food to record a perspective how to video of feeding my dog
  25. The kids set up a par core course with string around the house. It ended with them tying the string to my doorknob so I could not get into my bedroom
  26. Using my headphones for the first time in a few days after letting the girls borrow them. They're covered in earwax🤢
  27. We're now at a place where both girls drink their nightly milk from a wine glass. I only have had a glass of wine once since I've been here but I guess those munchkins learn quick!
  28. While 11yo is at piano I decide to go for a run and hook my car keys to my dog's collar. Somewhere along my run they fall off, but I don't notice until I finish. So I'm locked out and stranded with no way to get ahold of the piano teacher. After several frantic calls I arrange a ride for 11yo and a friend to bring me spare keys✅ Until...
    OK I'm not making this up, I am walking along the busy road holding my spare keys looking for my lost keys and all of a sudden I noticed that the keyless entry had fallen off my keychain. I lost 2 car keys in less than an hour and I can't even blame this one on the kids!
  29. Day 2 of the key saga: I was inspired to use a metal detector to find my keys, so I went to every pawn shop in town—found nothing. Walked up and down the road one last time—keys still lost. Gave up and fully embraced stay at home mom life by meeting a friend for lunch while wearing workout gear and ordering a glass of rosé before noon
  30. I set a timer to give the girls 15 minutes to clean their rooms. When I walked upstairs to check, both had started rearranging their rooms. Like moving furniture.
  31. I came downstairs to the 11yo reading my text messages between her mom and I about her awful behavior😳
    The truth hurts, kid.
  32. Just when I thought 7yo was in bed, she comes downstairs naked. I guess she finally decided to obey me and take her bath, so I call it a win?
  33. At midnight I wake up to what sounds like a large animal in my room. I turn on the lights and see the 11yo crawling on the floor trying to lure my dog out of my room with dog treats
  34. In the middle of the night, 11yo rearranged 7yo's room, including MOVING HER BED WHILE SHE SLEPT
  35. 7yo comes home from school and says "I think I peed on myself today. I'm not sure though."
  36. 11yo asks to do my hair for our trip to the mall. She then covers it in multiple hair products so it's sticky and gross, tries and fails to curl it, and makes me wear a beanie like a Disney channel tween.
    Before we leave the house, she takes the beanie off my head bc she wants to wear it (Note: this beanie belongs to me). Hours later we get home and I ask where it is and she says "I gave it to you to hold before we went in Forever 21, remember!🙄" AKA she left it in the food court after randomly deciding it was somehow my responsibility.
  37. 10:45pm. I find 11yo painting her nails. When I asked why she thought now was a good time for that, she rolled her eyes and said "It's for the play" (i.e. her Music Man performance tomorrow). Like 1800s children wore blue nail polish
  38. 11yo decides she wants to redecorate my shed. She takes a bunch of stuff out and puts it in the middle of my yard, paints a bench blue (while wearing my sweatshirt and obviously getting paint on it), and leaves everything in the yard.
    Days later we come back to my house and I ask her to put my stuff back in the shed. She asks why, then does a half-assed job (leaving several things still in the yard), forcing me to reorganize it myself
  39. Just sat through a homeschool performance of The Music Man JR. Because apparently the adult version is too risqué?
    There were way more girls than boys so girls had to wear fake mustaches and do slow dance sequences with other girls
  40. 7yo just ate a 4 pack of gum in less than an hour
  41. 7yo wiped her boogers on the wall of the guest bathroom
  42. Parents finally came back, but didn't have money to pay me. They will pay me once banks open on Tuesday. #venmo #orevenwritemeacheck
  43. I will never babysat again.
    And I'm actually thankful for the first time that I'm 34 and therefore maybe too old to have kids.