things i didn't think i would be good at but turns out i am

these are some strange victories but i celebrate them anyway
  1. i eat food over a sleeping baby sometimes (it's not mine) and i hardly ever spill it on her
    i mean one time there was a pineapple juice catastrophe but that hardly counts bc it was mostly on her butt and only got on her clothes
  2. i threw up on my way to work this morning while driving 60mph and didn't get any of it on myself or my car
    i heaved the first time and was able to open my car door bc i was at a red light and i quickly grabbed a towel i had in my car and threw up in that, about six times. i didn't even swerve. i am very good at throwing up and very good at driving
  3. i posed as someone else at the county show and showed their pig instead of mine
    i got away with it. i got a participation ribbon. it was exhilarating.
  4. crying excessively because of tv shows
    was i born this sensitive or did greys anatomy make me this way? spoiler alert but why did denny have to die? as if i deserved that? why did denny have to become negan? who on earth deserved THAT? whose karma is that bad? don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about those two shows are widely popular there's probably a large crossover audience
  5. going to restaurants so often that some of the staff starts to learn my name
    i love to build friendships based solely on me being served food and capitalism
  6. finagling my way into sampling your food if we're eating together at a restaurant
    i don't care if i've tried it a million times i have to try yours. please understand
  7. avoiding the doctor but watching a lot of medical dramas
    i'm on season seven of house and am almost completely caught up on greys anatomy but scheduling an appointment with me real doctor? no thanks, hank
  8. paying just enough attention while driving to not cause any major accidents but fuck up my car in tiny ways that are barely noticeable to the naked eye
    for instance: i took off my right sideview mirror off and barely anyone has said anything or really noticed and the last accident i got in was three years ago this christmas eve. tbh if i could i would drive a golf cart everywhere and no one could stop me
  9. scaring a baby that doesn't belong to me
    sometimes i sneeze when she's asleep and she wakes up and gets mad at me