Sh*t My Dad Says: Latin American Mom Edition

A list of things my Peruvian mother has said to me
  1. "People who violate traffic laws should get the death penalty"
    I have been in two car accidents, both my fault.
  2. "Allergies are an invention of white people"
    This one was followed swiftly by her shockingly well-thought out plot to invite allergic American soldiers into the homes of local Afghans who would then murder them by serving peanuts and thus, strike a blow for Al Qaeda. She did not see how this invalidated her above statement.
  3. "I don't get American's obsession with [insert food trend]. In Peru, we've had that for years"
    This is likely true for quinoa, açai berries, and maybe kale but sorry Mom, everywhere had bacon and Guinea pig is not a food trend.
  4. "Si lo encuentro te pego"
    Translation: if I find it, I'll hit you. She was a woman of her word. N.B. Not the only occasion that would earn you a slap, hair pull, shoe throwing, etc. Years on, this is one of her favorite jokes/catchphrases.
  5. "I never laid a hand on you of your sister"
    In her family, denial is a dish severed piping hot.
  6. "You think you had it bad... You don't even know what happened to me"
    In the past, I wasn't able to hear this from her but I'm coming around to understanding that she needs to share this. I hope I now have the space to hear her and not need anything from her.
  7. "You and your sister are the best things I did with my life"
    I believe her.