Everyone needs a television dad.
  1. Clear liquor is for rich women on diets.
  2. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat. And cats are useless.
  3. Nothing is worse than lying. Except for skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk.
  4. Crying is only acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
  5. Never half ass two things. Whole ass one thing.
  6. History began on July 4th, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.
  7. Luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.
  8. Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.
    Suggested by @stars
  9. Friends: one to three is sufficient.
    Suggested by @applesarahgate
  10. Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
    Suggested by @mlh
  11. Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
    Suggested by @chelsnunnenkamp