9 Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Actually a Pumpkin

  1. 1.
    He is orange
    But only if he's in season
  2. 2.
    He once violently raped his wife
  3. 3.
    He has a goofy smile with empty eyes
    If you put a candle in his head, his eyes flicker and mimic life
  4. 4.
    He lies about his worth to inflate his success in business
  5. 5.
    If you put a wig on him, and carve his face right, he almost looks like a real human
    But be careful, if you carve too much it reveals his pumpkin flesh
  6. 6.
    He is openly racist
  7. 7.
    If you put him on your doorstep, you might spook the neighbors
    Especially if they are POC
  8. 8.
    He has a long history of bankrupting businesses and deflecting the blame from himself
  9. 9.
    He is orange
    Just don't leave him in the sun for too long