Pretend Pals

This is an ongoing list of my pretend famous friends. I am NERVOUS to reveal just how complex these pretend friendships really are.
  1. Mindy Kaling
    @mindy and I would be tight; chatting about how Hulu really "gets" us, how to best disappoint immigrant parents and how mildly insulting it is when someone tells you that something "really flatters your skin shade." We would start our own pan-Asian illuminati and rope in a Nahnatchka Khan, Hasan Minhaj, Nasim Pedrad, Kumail Nanjiani etc. We might end up on a yacht with Beyoncé. Mindy would borrow my peep-toe leopard pumps and pretend they were hers the whole time.
  2. Maya Rudolph
    Maya would teach me her Trump Chicken dance. We would laugh and laugh about how we know nothing about contouring. I would speak loudly about film theory when her husband would be around. Nothing would come of this but I would not relent.
  3. Angela Bassett
    She would teach me how to light my husband's car on fire and walk away like a boss. We would get drinks with Ava DuVernay who wants Angela for a Zora Neale Hurston biopic. Angela would let me give the script a once-over like my opinion matters.
  4. Jennifer Lawrence
    Jen and I would catch the July Talk set at the Way Home music festival. We would often get pizza and she would be mad when I drop sauce on her borrowed Theory leather dress. @lenadunham would come hang and I'd be secretly jealous that they're getting closer to each other and not to me but then I would stop cause I don't want to seem anti-feminist.
  5. Amy Schumer
    Amy and I would write a Sister Wives sketch that you wouldn't believe. She would also be the most likely to call me out on not getting my roots done fastidiously.
  6. Tina Fey
    Through an elaborate deception, Tina would think that I'm a "Make-a-Wish Foundation" kid (I'd have to play young). She would let me sit in the "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" writing room. The other writers would groan but Titus Burgess and I would be palz.
  7. Nasim Pedrad
    @npedrad and I would talk about how we thought all workplaces are like Ally McBeal when we were younger. We'd trade lipstick shades but she would always tell me that hers looks nicer on me. I would mention that my brother-in-law is Persian in an effort to make her like me more and she would pretend not to hear me again.
  8. Melissa McCarthy
    There would be way too many antics. But on a more serious note, Melissa and I would kick off a lingerie startup called "Thelma and Louise" making nice bras for big boobies.
  9. Rachel McAdams
    How can two nice Canadians NOT get along? We would swap secrets on how to style our hair without heat tools and stories on how fabulous it is that people in Toronto leave you alone. We would eat at Fresh a lot.
  10. Sofia Vergara
    We are boob twins I'm pretty sure. You don't need any more than that.