Topics to Discuss With Springsteen While Walking His Dog Around the Block
Is this weird for you, Bruce?
- •Bruce, when you're at your house and you want to make a sandwich, what kind of sandwich do you make?I ask this, Bruce, because I do this extended bit where I'm you (and I pretend to do your voice--specifically your early '90s vague Southern accent voice--it's really the same as my "Coach Taylor" voice--is that weird for you?) and you're hosting band practice at your house, and you're offering to make sandwiches for Max and everybody, but you keep making these crazy sandwiches with whole chickens and chocolate bars and cheese wedges on them and nobody wants to eat them. Is that weird for you?
- •Bruce, what is the name of your dog?Is it "Roy Orbison"? Or maybe, "Darlene Love"? Or maybe "Gary US Bonds, whose career I, Bruce Springsteen, revived in the 1980s"? That's a mouthful, Bruce! How cool. Anyway, the real reason I ask is because I have this fantasy where I live in a beautiful lakeside cabin in the woods with three giant yellow labs named Bruce, Clarence, and Miami Steve. Is that weird for you?
- •Around the block? Is that really as far as you're going to go?I'm just asking because, Bruce, you have this history of playing shows for like four and a half hours and it just seems weird that you wouldn't take your dog Roy Orbison on a walk for like at least two hours and wave at everybody and write a bunch of albums with your dog when you walk it.
- •But then again, I guess you live in a giant mansion in New Jersey on like a hundred acres of land, so your neighbors probably also have a ton of land, so the term "block" is relative here. Actually, you could probably walk your dog on your property without leaving or anything.In that case, thanks for inviting me onto your giant plot of New Jersey land to walk your dog Roy Orbison with you. Means a lot.
- •Can you promise me that Tom Morello won't be on your next album?I don't mean to be a jerk here, Bruce, and I really do respect Tom in the proper context. I even have every Audioslave album on CD, and he plays great on those! It's honestly just weird the way he takes all those solos on 'High Hopes' and makes all those helicopter sounds all over the place. I don't know, just think about it. It's not a good album, and I think we can both just blame Tom for putting all those ideas in your head. Hope this isn't weird for you, by the way.
- •I don't know, I hope this wasn't weird for you. Feels like it might've been. I don't know. Anyway, I'm not the pizza guy, I was just pretending. These boxes are empty.