ACK-TRESS

Were you an amaaaazing Ophelia junior year? No one cares. Here are some things I keep forgetting to do- I have SO MUCH to learn!!
  1. What to wear to audition
    Wear something that shows what you look like naked, so the men like you. But also wear something over that, so the women in the room won't hate you. A whimsical sweater says I can write poetry and squint in amazement at a male character's insight- the tight tank top underneath says "but also here are my measurements, for the scene when she puts down the ukulele for the blowjob"
  2. What to say in a meeting
    In a meeting with a male writer/director to try and get a part, be sure to dress and behave like the character. This isn't about your acting- that's hilarious! No no, your job is to have magically existed forever as the pixie dream girl that they wrote. Mention a Rumi quote, or a scar on your shoulder, while squinting into the distance. Make sure to walk to the bathroom at least once, so they can see how your body would look in the blowjob ukulele scene.
  3. Oh also
    Answer a question with a quote from his script. "Do you have siblings?" "I guess...'I'm most at home in the dark'..." It's ok if it doesn't make sense sweetie.
  4. And
    Are you married or have a boyfriend? Gross, please don't mention that. You may as well describe the shit you took this morning while wearing a powdered wig. And don't mention your age, do you want this job or not?? If he asks your age that's a great time to quote his words back at him. "Feels like I've been me for centuries..."
  5. Eat beforehand
    I always forget this! Hungry? Oh cool, were you planning on clipping your nails and doing a netipot at the meeting as well? SALAD. Fine you can have a breadstick, but only if it reminds you of a cute sexy story about breadsticks, or if there's a breadsticks scene he wrote than you can quote to him. "Breadsticks? Aren't those 'just culinary dick lances'? Oh sorry 'gluten cock swords'! AAHAHAHAHAHAHA" (you can misquote and have them correct you = helpful) (if you laugh, watch the double chin plz)
  6. Makeup
    Spend an hour and a half and check it in many different lights to make sure you didn't fuck it up. Don't you want to play CHLOE??? Or do you want to get a call saying they'd like to see you for DENISE??? THAT CALL HURTS SUGARPLUM
  7. Hair
    Look like you just got effed in an anthropologie. Or pay $50 for a blowout and hope they don't reschedule day of. Or sure sure be DENISE
  8. Audition - scene 1
    Establish that you're smart- wait STOP TALKING what are you doing?? I meant as the character. Just be able to say that paragraph about the case/patient/experiment really fast. Pretend your audition sides are an important folder. But maybe take off the whimsical sweater by now.
  9. Audition - scene 2
    Still holding that folder but- there's something...different...about the lead male character...its making you want to put down the folder/ukulele for the first time in your 14 years of being alive...he is...amazing...and such...a puzzle...a puzzle id like to...puzz...le...
  10. Audition - scene 3
    Cry. Real tears. Sob. EW but not making that face!! Are you sneezing in slow motion?!? Just have the tears roll out of your eyes, eyes that have always been CHLOE's eyes, not your gross old eyes
  11. Pre / post audition banter
    Did the woman just ask you a question? say something to show that you are disgusted by yourself. But that's pretty unsexy, so while you're saying it, have an itch between your shoulderblades and point your tits at the obese guy with the justin timberlake hat. Say something degrading about your purse when you pick it up, but a use as opportunity to show butt(hole) to Chris christie in a scarf over there
  12. Are you a guy?
    You're good