1. Everyone's using the right serum but me
    Just because I didn't want to pay $3728 for a snails teacup but then one Easter I'll look around and everyone will be diamond skinned preteens and I'll be a bloaty-raisin-witch?
  2. The gynecologist forgot to double check
    And I essentially have to take a FEMA suppository and contact all my mistakes from 2006
  3. There is a god
  4. There is no god
  5. The right series of decisions DOES prevent depression
  6. My cacao powder regimen IS sensical
    Swallowing five consecutive heaping dry tablespoons with five corresponding self righteous "walk-aways"and five close-mouth ancient wizard coughs. It's still dessert, Betty. Just darker.
  7. I don't do the last looks check
    And don't catch the horrific thing happening on my face / teeth / nose / pants and I run into someone who makes me blush (anyone, all of you) and I tell a bad joke about a historical event as I remember that they lost someone in that historical event and also I have cacao powder on my face like vaudeville rouge
  8. Harriet Tubman was hilarious
  9. Someone at a party asks me to explain the electoral college to the group
  10. There was a big misunderstanding and someone thinks I did something mean but the person telling the story got the names wrong
    Feel sick thinking about it
  11. I never get my point across
  12. My huge boobs speak for me first forever
    They are the Kanye to my Taylor at every pot luck
  13. I never open Gnocchi-Your-Favorite
    Just like sphere-dough forms of your fuckin favorite