EPIC FIRSTS

Some first times
  1. Joana introducing jagged little pill on our playdate
    Does anyone need me to joy-rage-toss a dodge caravan, or eat a human face? Lemme know
  2. Seth temple passing love note to me on bus
    REGION 12 LET ME HEAR YOU SCREAAAAM
  3. Seth temple telling me it was a bet
    Why did my tweety bird earmuffs have to be on for this convo
  4. Sudden realization you want boyfriend with toothbrush and passions
    Spend hour getting Dr Pepper lip balm and overplucked brow on point, selecting perfect quinciñera-stripper-on-Plymouth-Rock fashions, then go over there to watch him scream-swear through video games and forget to also get you some tortellini again and you suddenly realize NO NOPE and three years later you are OUTTA THERE
  5. First time alone in Starbucks
    Novelty hat and blue-steeling one's way through an upside-down copy of the bell jar
  6. The day you realize she's actually just mean
    Uh...I know that it's our "dynamic" that you're a judgemental mermaid overseer and I'm your malnourished Sherpa jester but I think I've juuust outgrown you treating me like a hair elastic
  7. A realization at trader joes
    La la la cereal doooo do do almond milk sheeeee bop bop shallots boooo ma ta turkey slicesOHMYGODTHATSEXUALEXPERIENCESEVENYEARSAGOINTYLERSDENIWASNOTOKAYWITHTHOUGHTIWASBUTIWASNT deeeee dop dop cashews
  8. Getting broken up with
    Let's make a necklace out of my insides while rejecting sunlight with Ben Harper for two years!
  9. First and only blackout drunk
    At 15 at west side story cast party. Apparently woke up Mrs. Wilcox, threw a bagel at her and puked on her new tiling with my hands "in an oy vey raise"
  10. Realizing Lashes McBigScarf is actually insecure and wonderful
    And you were just jealous but turns out she hates herself too and also loves news bloopers! But the girl with the quote tattoo and the visible nipples, she's a monster. Omg same lesson applies! But the girl with the menthols and the Jetta, no. Oh wait she- OHMYGODTHEMONSTERISME
  11. Finding out Laguna Beach was a scripted well-lit lie
    Everyone remembers where they were