Some first times
- •Joana introducing jagged little pill on our playdateDoes anyone need me to joy-rage-toss a dodge caravan, or eat a human face? Lemme know
- •Seth temple passing love note to me on busREGION 12 LET ME HEAR YOU SCREAAAAM
- •Seth temple telling me it was a betWhy did my tweety bird earmuffs have to be on for this convo
- •Sudden realization you want boyfriend with toothbrush and passionsSpend hour getting Dr Pepper lip balm and overplucked brow on point, selecting perfect quinciñera-stripper-on-Plymouth-Rock fashions, then go over there to watch him scream-swear through video games and forget to also get you some tortellini again and you suddenly realize NO NOPE and three years later you are OUTTA THERE
- •First time alone in StarbucksNovelty hat and blue-steeling one's way through an upside-down copy of the bell jar
- •The day you realize she's actually just meanUh...I know that it's our "dynamic" that you're a judgemental mermaid overseer and I'm your malnourished Sherpa jester but I think I've juuust outgrown you treating me like a hair elastic
- •A realization at trader joesLa la la cereal doooo do do almond milk sheeeee bop bop shallots boooo ma ta turkey slicesOHMYGODTHATSEXUALEXPERIENCESEVENYEARSAGOINTYLERSDENIWASNOTOKAYWITHTHOUGHTIWASBUTIWASNT deeeee dop dop cashews
- •Getting broken up withLet's make a necklace out of my insides while rejecting sunlight with Ben Harper for two years!
- •First and only blackout drunkAt 15 at west side story cast party. Apparently woke up Mrs. Wilcox, threw a bagel at her and puked on her new tiling with my hands "in an oy vey raise"
- •Realizing Lashes McBigScarf is actually insecure and wonderfulAnd you were just jealous but turns out she hates herself too and also loves news bloopers! But the girl with the quote tattoo and the visible nipples, she's a monster. Omg same lesson applies! But the girl with the menthols and the Jetta, no. Oh wait she- OHMYGODTHEMONSTERISME
- •Finding out Laguna Beach was a scripted well-lit lieEveryone remembers where they were