MY LIFE WITH TITS THE SIZE OF PRINTERS

Some ways this condition affects my life
  1. You don't get out of speeding tickets
    Instead the cop takes inventory of your possum-sized tits and thinks, I'm gonna be the first guy to teach you a lesson cause those don't work on me. But actually he's the fifth guy to do that. Same goes for all ways you'd think boobs get special treatment (e.g. apple store)
  2. My bras-
    Have to be specially ordered from England and cost $80-$100 each and last about a year. They look like two giant yarmulkes sewn together. My sports bras look like NASA-engineered dungeon suitcases.
  3. Modern fashion
    Seems to be for tiny avian Amelie live-journalers, not for bovine mutant albino Kardashians such as myself. A friend once took me to Reformation and I looked like Chris Farley signing the Declaration of Independence. So I resort to dressing like weekend lesbian (stained thermal) or Latina on the subway (bebe)
  4. Sexual harrassment
    Is pretty constant. Every spring I'm like ahhh I don't have to wear a coat!! This is so amazing, wait why do I feel weird ohhhh that guy and his friends are following me making noises one makes to coax a sow to breakfast. Better put on a baggy shirt. Oh but then I feel fat- better enjoy the harassment before these things are in my shoes (35-40 min from now)
  5. I'm buster bluth on the inside
    But these things apparently say I HAVE ENTERED THE ROOM AND THINK IM FANTASTIC so I spend most parties trying to convince women I'm intimidated by that I hate myself a lot, then have a social hangover about those conversations
  6. Babies
    ..look at me like I once looked at the opening chocolate drizzling credits of willy wonka
  7. My back
    No
  8. When people guess your cup size
    And they say letters that you passed many exits ago, and you finally say the actual letter and they react like they were showing you a cool talent of bending their elbow in a weird way and you were like "here's my cool talent" and you shit your pants