WHY I AM AWAKE RIGHT NOW

  1. During the peak of allergy season, so for like the last six weeks, my wife @AlexaN and I were sleeping on our L-shaped couch instead of our bed.
    Because lying flat on your back feels like drowning in mucus
  2. Being the loving husband that I am, I selflessly gave my wife the long end of the couch.
    Even though I am 4 inches taller and had to spend those nights in the fetal position or with my legs slung over the back of the couch like some miserable half-ass batboy
  3. I developed some bad habits during that time.
    Like reading philosophical essays and playing Horse Haven until 3 am
  4. That time has ended.
    We are back in bed, side by side, in accordance with god's plan for marriage
  5. It started off nice.
    With sex
  6. But then she fell asleep.
    I decided it was a good time to read the poetry of Mary Oliver
  7. I could not loose my brain's grasp on consciousness.
    What WILL I do with my one wild and precious life, Mary Oliver, what will I do
  8. I started sweating profusely.
    Perhaps a panic attack because I can not answer Mary Oliver
  9. But then I realized the problem...
    Don't kill me when you read this, baby
  10. The problem is my wife.
    I'm sorry, I had to tell someone
  11. While we were sleeping on the couch, we were using mutually exclusive blankets.
    A poor man's sleep number
  12. But now we are pinned beneath the same fluffy white comforter.
    You just HAD to have it
  13. It is supposed to keep you warm in the winter and cool in the summer.
    LIES
  14. Alexa generates a truly amazing amount of body heat just by lying there unconscious.
    Like a goddamn Twilight werewolf
  15. I can't sleep because I am literally being broiled alive by my spouse.
    It's slipping away, Mary Oliver...
  16. I would just like to thank @bjnovak and the entire li.st community for offering me such solace here in these final moments.
    Everything is so quiet now
  17. I ask you all to ask yourself that great question, which I never got to answer: What will you do with your...
    Oh maybe I should turn on the air conditioner