HOW I QUIT SMOKING CIGARETTES

And you can too!
  1. Wait until you're super sick
    I'm talking throat hurts, puke-y, I can't breathe sick. Couldn't possibly smoke a cigarette sick.
  2. Don't start again once you feel better
    You've already made it through the toughest part of withdrawal while you were sick.
  3. Put all remaining cigarettes near something of which you are afraid
    For me this was the deepest, darkest corner of my basement where all the jumping cricket-spiders live. I mostly had cravings at night, and you couldn't pay me to enter my basement at night.
  4. When your cravings get too intense, or you're too rage-y, smoke an e-cig
    But not the fancy, expensive "tastes like maple syrup" kind. The shitty disposable kind. Tobacco/menthol flavor ONLY.
  5. In a few weeks/months, scream "E-CIGS ARE BULLSHIT"
    Throw away all e-cigs and remaining cigarettes. If your partner/BFF is a nice person, they'll go retrieve them from the scary basement spiders for you. Make sure you pour garbage water on the cigs so you don't dig them out of the trash.
  6. Enjoy your new smoke-free life
    And all the money you now have from quitting smoking. You could go out and buy nice things you've always wanted to try. Like fancy cheeses. Or all the Ben & Jerry's flavors with cores.
  7. Try not to be too sad that you gained weight from the fancy cheese/ice cream cores