HOW TO NOT BE AN ASSHOLE AT COSTCO

These are non-negotiable, so I don't want to hear it. I'm right. You're an asshole if you think I'm wrong (and everyone hates you).
  1. 👍🏻Do make a list of items you need
    If you're one of those people who "can't make a list, I don't know what I want until I see it" a) how are you alive? and b) you're probably not on this app. It helps if you group items by area. Snacks, household, deli/meat, produce, pantry, bakery, health/beauty. Put the list in the order you go through the store, you'll thank me later.
  2. 🚫Don't sit and wait for a parking spot when someone has an entire cart to unload
    You will park faster and find another spot if you just keep circling, I promise. Stop stressing me the fuck out and let me load my car in peace.
  3. 🚫Don't back into a space (or pull through)
    You're making everyone wait for you to back in, pull out to straighten and back in again. I don't understand why ANYONE does this EVER but especially at Costco. Are you not putting all your oversized goods in your trunk? You're just making it harder for yourself!
  4. 👍🏼Do get your Costco card out of your wallet on your way in from the parking lot
    BEFORE you grab your cart and BEFORE you get to the entrance
  5. 🚫Don't let any child under the age of 12 be in charge of driving your shopping cart
    They can't handle it and just get in the way. Plus, those carts get heavy once you load it up with bottled water and laundry soap. Stop enslaving your children. Speaking of children....
  6. 🚫Don't bring your kids
    If you must bring your children, and they are under the age of 8, their ass better be seated in a cart. When I have a flatbed cart loaded to my shoulders with soda and water, I can't stop it on a dime to avoid running over your idiot 6 year old who keeps cutting me off. Also, two parents + an unruly child = YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! One of you should have stayed home (or in the food court/tv section) with your child. You're a grown up, it does not take two people to do the household shopping.
  7. 🚫Seriously don't bring your kids
    Your teens don't want to be here either, and having them pout and stare at their phones in the middle of the aisle is making me want to murder them. Do you really need their input on if you should get Bagel Bites or not? Let them stay home and be independent. Then maybe they won't live with you until they're 30.
  8. 🚫Don't stop in front of or just inside the entrance
    There are A LOT of people coming into Costco, and a tiny entrance in which to do so. If you need to stop for some reason, pull over in between the displays so people can get by.
  9. 👍🏽Do enjoy the free samples. Just don't be greedy.
    They are samples so you can try the product, not a free meal. Don't block the sample stand with your cart. Don't take more than one if other people are waiting. Get in and get out. Don't stand in front of the sample stand eating your entire cup of chowder with that tiny spoon. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.
  10. 🚫Don't stop or leave your cart in the main aisles
    If you want to look at that sweater, steer your cart in between the tables and rejoin the main aisle when you're ready to move on. If you forgot something, find an area out of the way to leave your cart while you go back to get it. If you need to text, pull over and get out of the way. Think of your cart like it's your car. You wouldn't park your car in the middle of a busy highway, would you?
  11. 👍🏾Do pull your cart over to the side of the aisle if you want to look at something
    Get as close to the product with your cart as you can so people can get by. There is one exception to this, if you are in the refrigerated/frozen aisles, park your cart in the exact center of the aisle so people can get past and still open the cooler doors.
  12. 🚫Don't bring your cart into the egg/milk room
    It is not big enough for carts, find a safe place to park them nearby and run in to grab your items. You may have to make two trips, DEAL WITH IT.
  13. 👍🏿When you are waiting to access the checkout lines, do allow others access to the areas around the front of the store
    They are not "budging" in line, they just need to get past you to grab some toothpaste or granola bars. If they are jumping the line, let karma/Jesus punish them. No one made you king/enforcer of the checkout queue. It's gonna take forever NO MATTER WHAT.
  14. 👍🏻Do make friends/commiserate with the people around you waiting in line
    A simple "Ugh! These lines!" will lighten the mood and help pass the time. Line buddies are the best! Plus, you'll have allies when the riots break out.
  15. 👍🏼Do spend time organizing your cart while waiting in line
    Heavy/large items stay in the cart, with the barcodes easily accessible. Start flipping boxes. When you get to pro level like me, you will just load your cart for easy checkout FROM THE BEGINNING.
  16. 👍🏽Do get your Costco card out BEFORE you get to checkout
    The first thing the checkout clerk is gonna do is ask for your card. Be prepared. Ideally, you put it into an easily accessible pocket after entering the store so you don't have to dig in your purse/wallet again.
  17. 🚫Don't wait until the person in front of you is done before loading the conveyor belt
    Start loading that beast as soon as there's an inch of room. Quickness is key. Again, heavy and large items should stay in your cart with the barcodes facing up. Also, pay attention to the ⬅️Cart - Customer➡️ signs. When you're done loading the conveyor, place a divider after your stuff for the next person.
  18. 👍🏾Do be the person pictured on your Costco card
    If you're not, and they aren't with you, you won't be able to purchase your items and you've just wasted everyone's time. No one cares if your grandma said you could use her card. If she isn't there, you can't be either. Now the cashier needs to call the manager for a void and I'm stuck listening to you whine/make up stories.
  19. 🚫Don't write a check
    If you have a checkbook, you have a check/debit card. Use it. Even if you pre-write your check, they still need a manager to approve it and that sometimes takes forever.
  20. 🚫Don't put your receipt in your wallet/purse
    They check receipts on the way out, so keep it handy. If you must find something before leaving, pull over to the side so others can get past.
  21. 👍🏿If you can't follow these rules, I have a simple solution for you!
    Cancel your membership and use a service like Instacart to do your Costco shopping for you! Then pros like me can quickly buy everything you need and you save time AND money. Everybody wins! Costco without having to GO TO COSTCO is the dream! (Just be sure to tip me well for having to deal with all the other assholes to do your dirty work)
  22. I know this came off as harsh, but I still love you!
    Just stay out of my way! XOXO Jamie 😘😘😘
  23. P.S. But for real, leave your fucking kids at home.