TIMES I'VE HURT MYSELF THAT PROVE I'M A CLUTZ

Some of these are gross, consider this your warning, people who are eating.
  1. Slicing my finger taking the cap off my deodorant
  2. Trying to catch falling celery with a knife in my hand
    And basically karate chopping the knife down onto my finger. Super deep cut.
  3. Ripping all my eyelashes out using an eyelash curler
    Just in one eye though, ensuring I looked like a freak for months. I probably cried the hardest at this one because vanity.
  4. Falling down the stairs
    Then landing on my tailbone and fucking up my back for weeks. I legit thought I broke my ass.
  5. Almost falling down the stairs
    I caught myself this time, but apparently by my big toe because I ripped my toenail clean out of my foot. It took almost a year to grow back. I went a fucking YEAR without getting a pedicure.
  6. Stepping into the bathtub
    My foot slipped and I came down HARD on the edge of the tub. My leg bruised immediately, and the bruise lasted for over two years. Yes, really.
  7. Slicing the tip of my finger off while cutting cheese for a cheese tray
    And then not noticing until my aunt asked me why there was a bloody fingerprint on every slice of cheese.
  8. Dropping my phone on my face in bed
    And giving myself a black eye
  9. Dropping a lit cigarette in my bra
    I burned the shit out of my tit AND ruined my favorite bra.