REAL THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THAT SOUND LIKE COMPLETE BULLSHIT

  1. I was once asked to leave a gym because my water jug was too large and made some of the clients uncomfortable.
  2. I used to be internet friends with Cassandra Clare, before she ever published The Mortal Instruments series. We both belonged to a Harry Potter fan-fiction website and had several conversations.
  3. I was once asked by a guy I originally mistook for Donald Glover (he wasn't) to autograph his wallet, because he thought I was the lead singer for Switchfoot.
  4. I released an electronic music album under an undisclosed stage name in 2012
  5. I once dated a girl and found out she was concurrently married to a guy who was cheating on her with my ex-girlfriend, who actually had feelings for the girl I was dating.
  6. I was excluded from a basketball game in middle school because I wasn't very good. Out of frustration, I stole the ball and kicked it across the court and made the basket.
  7. Two weeks before I graduated from college, I tried to locate an instructor on campus by contacting the head of my department. An administrative assistant told me that my department did not exist, despite the several years I had attended the school, and I "probably have a different major"