Requested by the most wonderful @sophiack
  1. My mom was cute.
    She was actually a cabbage patch kid.
  2. My dad was cute.
    He was a Facebook video of a corgi running in slow motion.
  3. I bathe in the blood of my enemies.
    Every other Sunday and on full moons, always. Bubble baths.
  4. I'm actually a teacup piglet.
    A freaking teacup piglet.