WAYS TO DIE

  1. Falling off a rocking chair the wrong way.
  2. Dancing too hard.
  3. Unknown food allergy.
  4. Splinter turns gangrenous, blood poisoning.
  5. Impacted bowel, blood poisoning.
  6. Pirates.
  7. Lincoln Tunnel floods while you are in it and you are not Sylvester Stallone.
  8. Helicopter crashes into mountain while you are in it and you are not Sylvester Stallone.
  9. Plane crashes into island and you are not Tom Hanks.
  10. You are Tom Hanks, and a carnival game turns you into a child version of you, and you are kidnapped and then later killed during a botched rescue attempt.
  11. Banging head on the ceiling of the attic and there are nails coming through from above.
  12. Auto-erotic [permanent] asphyxiation, purposeful or accidental.
  13. Extreme disbelief or hilarity.
  14. Dexter, but only if you are also a murderer.