Steven Wright's "I Have A Pony" is a timeless classic and it turns 30 this year. Here are some of the best jokes from the album.
  1. “I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold the number 3 for 28 bucks.”
  2. “I was once walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me… and I didn’t hear it.”
  3. “For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… put em’ in the same room. Let em’ fight it out.”
  4. “I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
  5. “One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
  6. “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.”
  7. “I broke a mirror in my house. I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
  8. “I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. Granted, it takes longer.”
  9. “I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s gonna be up all night.”
  10. “I have a map of the United States. It’s actual size. It says one mile = one mile.”
  11. “My girlfriend has a queen size bed and I have a court jester size bed. It’s red and green and it has bells on it. The ends curl up.”
  12. "I got a postcard from my best friend George. It was a satellite picture of the entire earth. On the back he wrote, ‘Wish you were here'”
  13. "Yesterday I saw a subliminal advertising executive just for a second.”
  14. “I went into a place to eat. It said ‘breakfast anytime,’ so I ordered French toast during the renaissance.”
  15. “I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”
  16. “A while ago, I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table, having a furious argument over what I considered to be an “odd” number.”
  17. “One time I went to the drive-in in a cab. Movie cost me $95.”
  18. “One time I went to a museum where all the work was done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.”
  19. “I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.”
  20. “One time, the police stopped me for speeding, and they said, “Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?” I said, “Yeah, I know, but I wasn’t gonna be out that long.
  21. “I’m planning a trip to Spain. So I bought an album that teaches you the language. Put the album on, you put headphones on, you learn the language while you’re sleeping. During the night, the record skipped. I get up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish.”
  22. “I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.”
  23. "I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.”
  24. "I’ve been doing a lot of painting lately. Abstract painting—extremely abstract. No brush, no canvas. I just think about it.”
  25. "You know when you're sitting on a chair, and you lean back so you're just on two legs, and then you lean too far and you almost fall over, but just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
  26. “I like my dental hygienist. I think she’s very pretty. So whenever I go to have my teeth cleaned, while I’m in the waiting room I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies.”
  27. “One time I went to the drive-in in a cab. Movie cost me $95.”
  28. “I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other one is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.”
  29. “The Stones—I love the Stones. I can’t believe they’re still doing it after all these years. I watch ’em whenever I can. Fred, Barney…”
  30. “Friday I was in a bookstore. I started talking to this very French-looking girl… “