Things I Say That Servers and Bartenders Probably Hate
I'm not difficult, but I will ask for some of my quirks to be considered. I am also a great tipper, by the way.
- •"I'll have the fajitas. Can you ask them to put it on a plate instead of all that skillet business?"Nothing good comes from that fucking skillet. It's hot. It takes up too much space. People stare when it comes out. And you go home smelling like burnt onion.
- •"How much horseradish is in your Bloody mix?"To consume horseradish is to activate a suicide bomb in one's skull. I ask this only at places where I know the mix is housemade. Recently a bartender at a popular Chicago brunch spot boasted in response that he "take[s] two giant fistfuls of fresh horseradish and dump[s] it into every 5-gallon drum." Me: "Oh. That sounds good. Unfortunately, I have to pass." It was awkward.
- •"Chilled, stirred, up, twist."I love the rule of 3 as much as anybody. And I am fully aware this throws the ear off.
- •"Makers, very light rocks. And a water, no ice."Ugh I hate me. But I'm a grinder and sometimes I know super cold water won't be touched. And that's bad news.
- •"Cheeseburger but on French baguette."Very specific to a decent lunch place in DC. I would almost always get pushback. "Sir, I think you will really like our brioche bun," one guy said. Me: "Yeah I've had it. Delicious. But it's too much bread for your burger." Him: "The baguette will be more bread." Me: "I promise it works."
- •"You guys still don't have cheddar, right?"Same place as above. What place with burgers and sandwiches has Swiss, provolone and AMERICAN but not cheddar? It was 98% clear they had no plans to add cheddar. But I needed to passive aggressively register my thoughts regularly on how ridiculous that was.
- •"Do y'all have cocktail onions?"Important because olives are gross. If they say yes, I order that gin martini up with onions AND a twist. Also annoying.
- •"Can they scramble those extra soft?"This probably requires extra communication with the line. Also: I only do this at places where I am paying a crazy amount for eggs.
- •"Pound of [turkey/ham/roast beef], as thin as you can slice it, like almost shaved."I use this deli request verbatim, every time, because it works. I've tried variations of the line and ended up disappointed. Even my mom, who's MUCH quirkier than I am when ordering and who witnessed this recently, seems to sense it is obnoxious. She suggested I ask what slicer setting was used to achieve that success and that I try ordering it that way next time.