THE REASONS I CAN'T HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW

  1. My hamstrings are tight.
  2. None of my "good underwear" are clean.
  3. I'm uncertain about the effect my last meal will have on my digestive system.
  4. I want to get stoned and, if I do, it'll be like the Sahara down there.
  5. My apartment is messy.
  6. Your apartment is gross.
  7. I don't feel like washing my sheets. Before or after.
  8. It's too hot.
  9. It's too cold.