MY GRINDR DATE WITH A ZOOKEEPER NAMED SPARKS

A very sweet and very handsome man who I am not at all compatible with but learned a lot from tonight.
  1. Promptly identifies every taxidermied animal on the wall of the bar.
    Additionally points out the technical flaws in each. Pheasants, for instance, have more glorious feathers and more prominent chests.
  2. His favorite of all the zoo's animals is a gay two-toed sloth named Pookie.
  3. Trains and breeds cassowaries, the second most violent species of bird.
  4. The last zookeeper who trained Slash, a particular female cassowary he is responsible for, had his stomach slashed opened; intestines ripped out; and, so, died.
    They are as tall as humans and cost $100K each.
  5. Fluent in Italian, Japanese, and Inuktitut.
    The name his dad's Inuit relatives gave him loosely translates as "bird of prey that swoops into the water." He once hunted a deer with them and they made him eat the deer's testicles, which caused him to vomit.
  6. Has three pets: a snake, a fish, and a "pussy."
    "a highly aggressive snake," a fish that requires extremely acidic water and three feedings daily, and, yes, he said pussy and did not smile or stutter.
  7. He is currently trying to breed rare dart frogs, which is very hard to do.
    They only mate if you nail the lighting, humidity, and temperature. Extinct outside captivity.
  8. Unlike frogs, most birds will just fuck.
    This does not include cassowaries.
  9. He has to go home because he must wake up at 6AM for work and also buy a burrito for lunch tomorrow.
    It was very nice to meet you, Sparks.