MY GRINDR DATE WITH A ZOOKEEPER NAMED SPARKS
A very sweet and very handsome man who I am not at all compatible with but learned a lot from tonight.
- •Promptly identifies every taxidermied animal on the wall of the bar.Additionally points out the technical flaws in each. Pheasants, for instance, have more glorious feathers and more prominent chests.
- •His favorite of all the zoo's animals is a gay two-toed sloth named Pookie.
- •Trains and breeds cassowaries, the second most violent species of bird.
- •The last zookeeper who trained Slash, a particular female cassowary he is responsible for, had his stomach slashed opened; intestines ripped out; and, so, died.They are as tall as humans and cost $100K each.
- •Fluent in Italian, Japanese, and Inuktitut.The name his dad's Inuit relatives gave him loosely translates as "bird of prey that swoops into the water." He once hunted a deer with them and they made him eat the deer's testicles, which caused him to vomit.
- •Has three pets: a snake, a fish, and a "pussy.""a highly aggressive snake," a fish that requires extremely acidic water and three feedings daily, and, yes, he said pussy and did not smile or stutter.
- •He is currently trying to breed rare dart frogs, which is very hard to do.They only mate if you nail the lighting, humidity, and temperature. Extinct outside captivity.
- •Unlike frogs, most birds will just fuck.This does not include cassowaries.
- •He has to go home because he must wake up at 6AM for work and also buy a burrito for lunch tomorrow.It was very nice to meet you, Sparks.