TIMES I WAS DISTRUSTFUL OF SEA WORLD CLEVELAND
There was, inexplicably, a Sea World in Cleveland once upon a time. Even as a child, I knew there was something perverse about ocean creatures living in the Midwest. I was NOT having it.
- •Okay, sure. I'll play along. It's not weird at all to hang out with a whale and an otter 9 hours away from the nearest ocean.
- •I'm not buying what you're selling, dolphin. I'm pretty sure this is some sort of logical reasoning test for 80s babies to make sure we can outsmart the Russians, and if I fail, I'll have to take underwater Suzuki violin lessons and enter Meyers-Briggs personality test competitions. Move along.
- •Seriously, whale. Why are you here? In CLEVELAND. What have they DONE to you? Are you in touch with your essential nature? Explain yourself!
- •Okay, now I get it. This is some sort of failed government experiment. They tried to dump all the leftover Agent Orange into Lake Erie, and we're all just hallucinating. Suddenly Grizzabella is here, and she wants to sing highlights from the Andrew Lloyd Webber songbook for us while she waterskis because everyone knows cats LOVE the sea...WTF
- •Philip, don't touch it, we don't know where it's been! Though it's almost certainly NEVER BEEN NEAR THE ACTUAL OCEAN despite the brand's attempt to convince us otherwise.
- •Maybe if I send him psychic messages, this abomination of nature/Magical Merman Mistofelees will cast a spell and get me away from here!