On compliments

I'm pretty drowsy because I've taken a couple sleeping pills. It's not even dark here but I just rather sleep than think anymore, obviously this means my brain is working overtime now.
  1. I've probably expressed here that I'm not very good at taking compliments. My goal is actually be able to accept them. I am working on this in therapy but I had no clue why it was so hard.
  2. What happens when someone gives me a compliment?
    I don't believe them. I think they want something from me. I think they're being nice because they've gather that nice isn't something I've been granted before. It falls flat at my feet never even getting close to registering any emotion. Sometimes, at its worse it physically hurts. Piercing.
  3. I made the mistake of telling someone not compliment me because it was easier at the time than confront why I had the reaction I did.
    He never complimented me again and I believed it was because he didn't have a reason to. He was trying to respect my wishes, I get that, but guys when a girl says something like that don't just go along with it. If you care about her she needs to hear it.
  4. My longest relation was with a guy who only gave me backhanded compliments. Well there was only one.
  5. Why?
  6. I never had someone say something positive until I was 17. It wasn't actually positive. He was shitty teacher who thought I was druggie because of the company I kept. He told me I was smarter than he thought.
    There were pseudo compliments before I guess "you're not like anyone else"
  7. My parents weren't about that "I love you" life
    My mom told me at 23 she was proud of me. I asked her if she was dying.
  8. The only person who ever made me feel special was the man who raped me at 7.
    I've gone through my entire life distrusting anyone who has said anything nice, because he was the only person who ever did.
  9. Compliments were triggering.
  10. I realize now that I need and want to hear nice things. I don't have a full sense of self and it helps to hear others' perspectives because I can't access my value on my own (yet)
  11. It's a slow road. When I told my therapist about this she said "are you fucking kidding me" and "I feel so sad for you"
    I had no emotional reaction to anything she said.
  12. I'm not writing this list to hear compliments. I was supposed to journal about this topic in between appointments but listing is practically the same thing.