Gonna try this without a draft!
  1. As I actually embark on dating again I've been thinking of the reasons I stayed away. A lot of my last relationship surprised me and scared me. It made me realize I wasn't as strong as I thought I was.
  2. I weirdly kept talking and eventually started dating someone I wasn't actually attracted to. He was nice and a friend and I put way too much faith on our friendship thinking that it would translate.
  3. I had a pattern of sabotaging my relationships. I knew this and tried not to fall into those patterns, which meant that every red flag was explained away.
  4. I talked myself into staying.
  5. He never said anything nice to me. There was one back-handed compliment and that was it. It's makes me sick to think that I was okay this.
  6. He made every fight my fault. And I fucking let him.
  7. He was never there when I needed him.
  8. He made me feel like shit for wanting more.
  9. I hated myself for letting someone like that have so much control.
  10. I expected more of myself and I let myself down. I didn't want to be in a relationship because i didn't know if I could tell if I was in an unhealthy relationship. That scared me beyond words.
  11. It still scares me. I know my worth when I'm single. I don't know it in a relationship.