This is my last list. This has been the only space that I've been honest with myself. Only recently I've starting talking about important moments in my life to people who are in my real life. List knew before they did. This is something I've never said.
  1. I'm listening to Sylvan Esso's "Die Young" right now.
    It starts with, "I had it all planned a week before you met me, was going to leave early, so swiftly"
  2. I had it all planned.
  3. I made a decision a long time ago that I was done. I saw no hope. Things never got better but incrementally worse. I was adult. I knew my decision. I had enough.
  4. I knew what I wanted to do. It was a freeing thought. I was happy for the first time in my life. But I also knew that I didn't want anyone I cared about to find me. I couldn't bare the thought of that.
  5. I had it all planned.
  6. I was leaving. I applied to teach abroad. I would disappear. They were not going to hear from me again. They would never know. They would assume that I just got busy with life. They wouldn't even notice.
  7. I told one person close to me that I wasn't planning to come back. He knew. He tried to convince me otherwise. He didn't.
  8. I had it all planned.
  9. Then my nephew was born. I remember everything about that day. I remember it being the moment that I fell utterly in love.
  10. I had it all planned. He ruined it completely.
  11. I never believed in unconditional love. I never believed in love at all. I never had it. I didn't think I was capable of feeling it or having anyone love me.
  12. It's unfair to place your life in that a child's hand. I know this.
  13. His presence saved my life
  14. He doesn't understand why I tell him every year about the night he was born or why I recount the day he came home from the hospital.
  15. He doesn't understand that I chose to live because of him.
  16. I can't say that much has change. Things still get incrementally worse at a pace that is alarming to me.
  17. I still wouldn't change a thing.
  18. I'd still feel every pain I've felt since then over and over again. I'd gladly feel it for the rest of my life because it means that I now have him.
  19. Thank you, Joshua.
  20. And thank you list for once again letting me share something I have not with anyone else.
  21. I don't plan on dying young anymore.