For when your date is the worst person ever.
  1. My roommate is having a funeral tonight for our fern that died. Peace out!
  2. I forgot to take my schizophrenia medication. “Shut up, Carla!” “No, you shut up!” Ciao!
  3. I’m trying to win this scavenger hunt. Thanks for knocking “dinner with a stranger” off the list. Bye!
  4. My dog has a date with another dog. See ya!
  5. I have a lot of work to catch up on—fourteen shows on Netflix, Amazon, Vimeo, and DVR. Hasta luego!
  6. Jimmy Choo has an online sale that starts at midnight. Ta-ta!
  7. I know this ankle bracelet looks like a Fitbit, but I’m actually on house arrest. Cheerio!
  8. I accidentally called myself an Uber. I’d cancel but I don’t want to get charged. Farewell!
  9. I mistakenly scheduled another date back-to-back. My bad. Au revoir!
  10. I’m a Scientologist and I need to perform my nightly purification ritual against Xenu. So long!