THE 7 CIRCLES OF BRUNCH HELL
We love brunch. Combining breakfast and lunch into a cheesy, greasy, boozy weekend debauch is a brilliant idea. And so lowercase-b brunch is heaven. But that's not the only brunch there is. Capital-B Brunch, on the other hand, is dreadful. It's "A Thing": an ordeal, a project. It is hell, and like hell, it has many circles.
- •The First Circle of Brunch Hell: Boozy BrunchYou wake up in an utter heap. Because you KILLED it last night. Because you are the kind of monster who goes to Boozy Brunch. For the next two to four hours, you will pour pulpy gutter runoff into the insatiable bad-breath cavern on the front of your face.
- •The Second Circle: Party BrunchComprised of shiny shirts named Theo, Champagne magnums with sparklers on them, and women who order the lobster just to stare at it in a drug-addled haze, Party Brunch is a self-evident grease trap of capitalist shitbaggery.
- •The Third Circle: “Cute” BrunchDo you see that artisanal goat cheese & honey danish? Yeah, that shit costs $19. You are at "Cute" Brunch now and you are about to shoulder the full financial weight of making “smart” choices about “living your best life.”
- •The Fourth Circle: Brunch at Someone’s Apartment“We’re hosting A Bloody Good Brunch next weekend! Comeeeee <33” the email subject line will read. Inside is a Paperless Post invitation laboriously created by the most boring couple you know demanding your presence at their homespun trash-food tryst for “a Saturday of tipsy fun, new friends, and most importantly: GOOD FOOD!”
- •The Fifth Circle: Singles BrunchUsually, what this means is Single Ladies Brunch. Everyone is single, everyone is a lady, and everyone is either going to Coachella, just got back from Coachella, or already bought their tickets for next year's Coachella. 'CHELLA #VIBES, BETCH!
- •The Sixth Circle: Adult BrunchThe defining trait is slightly overweight Noah Birenbaum characters who spitefully drag their babies into the public sphere, prattle on incessantly about Knausgaard's latest whatever, and dietarily restrict themselves out of everything on the menu.
- •The Seventh Circle: Family BrunchFamily is great. Family Brunch is a miserable affair filled with anxiety.