When's the last time you got down? Easy ways to forget you're on the verge of becoming a born again virgin. Full article on thurstymag.com
  1. Just keep eating
    A therapist might say eating in order to feel better is problematic. But luckily I'm not a psychologist, a nutritionist, or a total fucking buzzkill. Ben & Jerry's is your friend.
  2. Get way too invested in television.
    Escape from reality with will they or won't they plot lines and mad sexual tension between people who don't even exist.
  3. Exercise?
    ...I guess. In your efforts to expunge sexual energy, you're going to inadvertently draw more sex to you because you're going to draw more sex to you.
  4. Advertise yourself
    Go on Tinder, OkCupid, whatever you have to, then sell your soul via your profile. You'll be so busy 'branding yourself' and 'meeting new people' you'll get so frustrated by bad dates that you won't even WANT to get intimate.
  5. Use your memory
    Either remember the times you've had amazing sex - replay the scenes in your brain and remind yourself how very fuckable you were at one time -or remember how gross sex is. Take out all the romance of the reality that two bodies smashing together and remember sex is basically, "how much stuff can I put in your stuff?"
  6. Ask yourself some tough questions
    Why do you think it's been so long? Do you think you could be doing anything wrong? Do you have sex shame? Should you feel bad about wanting something real? What are you hiding from? WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON, HUH?
  7. Jerk it furiously until you can't feel your parts anymore
    I give up.