How I Almost Had a Panic Attack 2 Days Ago

Maybe I did, I haven't had one before...I'm still reeling
  1. So... I'm in a LDR currently
    We're both finishing our bachelor's and thought doing a semester abroad at the same time was an excellent idea
  2. Communication is...good!
    There's much more than I anticipated...BUT I'm still a bit clingy and was fearing how it'll go when I'm initiating all contact and much more enthusiastic about it (it...kinda works, but I get insecure frm time to time)
  3. We hadn't had a conversation in over 3 days
    Which isn't that long, but still out of the ordinary so I was a bit worried
  4. He called me on Tuesday
    He could sense I was getting worried
  5. And then it began
    I usually have to quiet down so he starts talking or he never will, so I did that and:
  6. "I watched a horse race yesterday!"
    Ok, odd thing to start off with but I know how you sometimes have trouble telling stories
  7. He started explaining a bit about what it is
    I'm just thinking about the poor horses and getting ready to tell him that you shouldn't support that "sport"...also wondering how he got cards
  8. "Oh yeah, I watched in a pub!"
    He breaks off... Starts another story- I'm starting to notice him starting to fall over his own words
  9. On Saturday it was Phillips birthday and we went out,....... I got really drunk
    I already knew this, he had sent me a hungover snap...so more wondering for me where this was going
  10. "I ....met a girl there"
    This was when my heart stopped. You guys, alone writing this doing is making me feel anxious. It started racing and I felt like I was looking into a tunnel, everything else got completely blocked out.
  11. "She took me ...to the pub today ....and .....I'd like to .....get to know her"
    My mind was spinning, I started realizing how this was so obvious and how he must have cheated on me and gotten detached from me and how it all fit with his lack of enthusiasm and how I should have seen this coming. There also was a voice saying that it's strange for him to fall so fast but then I remembered him telling me he loved me the day after we first kissed.
  12. I started crying on the phone
    Silently (practice makes perfect 😕) and tried putting on a sarcastic front...I just wanted to hear the whole thing and not alarm him that I was reacting severely
  13. IT TURNS OUT
    🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
  14. He didn't intend to break up with me, nor did he cheat on me.
    He met this girl at the club and just talked to her and they exchanged numbers. Afterwards his friends asked him if there was something going on with them. He only then realized that the girl could have misinterpreted the situation and told her about his girlfriend (me). She told him that she hadn't and they went ahead and me at the pub. No biggie
  15. He was just anxious to tell me bc he didn't know if I'd misunderstand and that's why he started sounding stressed
    ...and that's why I, in turn, got FREAKED OUT
  16. By then I was noticeably bawling
    From shock, I think... And just repeatedly asking him why he sounded so nervous when he told me
  17. And I didn't relent until he told me
    See above. ...and then we entered deep, murky waters 😔
  18. We had this whole (3hr long) conversation about relationships and trust (i.e., me not having enough) and how I need to work on myself
    ...and I totally get it. The only think that irks me is that he isn't as communicative/vocal as me. I knew this could be a problem when we started the semester abroad, and we talked about it (he said he'd try) and he did...but it's still not enough for me. Now I'm not sure if I want too much or if he's somehow not comfortable.
  19. And we talked about changes
    I.e. Me not being able to handle them and that's why I'm so clingy. We're still very young and intending to stay together indefinitely, so changes (big and small) are bound to happen... And I hope they do I'm just afraid that I won't manage as well as him and hold him back. And he'll resent me for it. So I selfishly want him to stay the same & because of family history and wildly afraid of manipulating him
  20. We ended the call on happy-ish terms
    But since this was the first time I've really felt like we were about to break up I now feel really fragile. I walk around and just feel lonely and like something that looked to cemented in my life is actually made from...idk chocolate (=at risk of being demolished by me)
  21. Guys, I'm not in the best place, this really shocked me
    Also why I think this was not regular shock... I had to hang up on him during the conversation bc I felt so sick I had to go throw up. He was talking about all this new stuff he was into and I felt like he was slipping away from me
  22. It's been two days
    And I feel more stable... I worked out quite a lot and told him what I needed from him - to be just a bit more affectionate and reassuring so that I could be reminded of how we are together
  23. Bc I've kind of forgotten how his kisses feel and what he smells like and how rough bis stubble is
    I so get sex flashbacks when I 😏😏😏, though
  24. Wow I didn't expect this list to get so long
    Maybe I can lay this to rest now that I've written it all out
  25. Also I hope I'll have a more up-beat list sometime ...today is not the day