A FEW THINGS I REMEMBER ABOUT DELIVERING PIZZA

I worked as a pizza delivery man for a few years in my early 20's
  1. One time this dude put the pizza I delivered on the ground while he wrote me a check and his little daughter came running through the room yelling PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA and jumped up in the air and landed on the pizza, destroying it
  2. Another time I delivered a pizza to this trailer that had a little front step made from a cinder block. The door opened out, so I had to step off the block for the owner to answer the door
  3. The owner was this huge, bulky, sweaty dude who answered the door in his boxers.
  4. He either had a parking meter in his boxers or a world class boner
  5. Which was right at my eye level because I had to step off that cement step so he could open the door
  6. I gave him his pizza
  7. He gave me some money
  8. When I went to hand him his change his swiveled his hips and whapped my hand with his huge boner
  9. The change fell from my hand
  10. He said, you can keep it, and closed the door.
  11. It was a dollar. I ran away and might have cried.
  12. A year later I told that story at a party and a little later went outside and this woman was on the phone with her fiancé, telling him the story.
  13. Except she said, 'So Tom grabs the guys dick and starts tugging it and tugging it'
    I don't know if she heard the story wrong or was amplifying for effect or what
  14. Her fiancé was this dude I'd hated since elementary school when he told me I wasn't smart enough to be his friend
  15. Anyway
  16. Another time I got in a car accident while delivering pizza and almost died
  17. those are all the good stories I can remember about delivering pizza