HOW I LOST YOUR VIRGINITY

  1. I took it with me to Best Buy because I wanted to get Ex Machina on blu ray
  2. I found where the movie should have been on the rack but they didn't have any copies, even though the movie had been out for just 24 hours
  3. I was going to try seeing if they had it at Target but this clerk asked me what I was looking for and I told her and she said maybe they had some copies in the back
  4. Your virginity asked me if it could go look at the video games while I waited for the clerk to come back
  5. I know, I should have gone over there with it but then it would have started asking me to buy it that Batman game and it would have been a whole thing...
  6. Finally the clerk came back with a copy of the movie on DVD. I said I was looking for the blu ray and the clerk stared arguing with me that DVDs had better quality
  7. You know how sometimes someone says something so crazy you start wondering if maybe you're actually the crazy one?
  8. So I was like, forget it. Thanks anyway
  9. And the clerk was like, So you don't want the movie? Why'd you make me go fetch it then?
  10. And I said, I didn't make you do shit, all right? Don't get an attitude with me
    I wasn't being my best self but you know how I get about bad service
  11. The manager overhead me 'berating' the clerk and came over and got in my face
  12. He was like, You need to take your business elsewhere!
  13. And I was like, I can't wait to take my business elsewhere, motherfucker!
  14. And then I stormed out of the store. I didn't remember that I'd left your virginity behind until I was halfway home.
  15. I raced back to the Best Buy but when I tried to go in the manager had security stop me. He said he was going to call the cops if I didn't split.
  16. I told him, My friends virginity is in there! Over near the video games!
  17. He said, there's a lot of virginity over by the video games, man
  18. I thought, what a hack this dude is. That's such a tired stereotype.
  19. But I tried to play nice anyway, because I know your virginity is important to you.
  20. The manager said if I waited outside he'd find your virginity and send it out
  21. And after a few minutes he did
  22. But as your virginity was walking out into the parking lot a fucking hawk swooped down and snatched it up and carried it away
  23. It happened so fast
  24. So look I know you were hoping to save your virginity until marriage
  25. But that's really an old fashioned idea
  26. And anyway, there might be other folks who can say they lost their virginity in a best buy parking lot, but you're the only person I know who lost their virginity to a hawk in a best buy parking lot.