HOW TO BE TOM BATTEN

  1. Generally enjoy the first six months of kindergarten
  2. Then one day after getting on the bus, sit next to an open window and overhear your teacher Telling another teacher how happy she is that the day is over
  3. And watch her make this face like she's exhausted and a little grossed our
  4. And decide she's a total fucking fake ass phony and that the whole school thing is straight bullshit
  5. And from then on when she tells you to color something, think about how it's just busy work because she doesn't like you or have a better idea
  6. And decide you can finish coloring very quickly if you scribble the whole image black and tell everyone the scene takes place at night
  7. And when the teacher doesn't accept that and gives you something else to color, maybe a picture of Donald Duck, scribble red all over it and tell her he's bleeding because he fell down the stairs
  8. Consider your trip to the guidance counselor a nice break from the mundanity of the day
  9. I can't say for sure this will make you Tom Batten, but it's a good start.