1. If your dad has sweet abs, wait until he dies and sneak them away before your siblings notice
  2. Light a candle for St. Carmine, patron saint of abs
    Burned at the stake in 1266 for daring advise that the emperor try isometrics
  3. Smear suet all over the parts of your belly that are not sweet abs and let a flock of birds peck you into shape
  4. Open a restaurant chain that serves deceptively fatty food, develop the business steadily until it spreads across the U.S., wait for the obesity rate to skyrocket and watch as your current ab situation becomes sweeter in comparison to the new standard