HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SOULMATE

  1. You realize her laugh is the last sound you want to hear as you die
  2. The indicator gems implanted in your forearms at birth begin to pulsate
  3. He's single and you're 35
  4. She takes off her glasses and suddenly you want to fuck her more than you don't care about poetry
  5. The spiders that hatch out of your face in your sleep instantly rush into his mouth
  6. You've given up on the Coast Guard ever finding the island
  7. The dental records
  8. He or she possesses all the qualities you arbitrarily decided were desirable in a mate when you were like 11 years old