HOW TO KNOW IF YOURE DATING 'THE ONE'

  1. There's never any awkward silence when you're together, instead there's an almost inaudible buzz, as though hornets are rallying in the distance
  2. Instead of feeling the need to constantly express or seek apologies from one another you keep a rat snake on your coffee table and feed it live mice daily
  3. At some point you realize you're not bringing home strangers you met at the gas station and forcing them to watch the two of you fuck...you're forcing them to watch you make love
  4. you wake up in the morning and realize she's been up for hours writing 'the one' all over your body with a permanent marker. You're not sure how to respond...is this charming? Terrifying? Does she mean the one like, soul mates? You ask her what she means and her eyes go black.
  5. You're an aging neurotic and she's a red haired ingenue who loves jazz and quotes Schopenhauer
  6. You're an unorthodox cop, she's a no nonsense district attorney, and your Conservative Indian parents have reached an agreement