HOW TO SET THE MOOD FOR A ROMANTIC ENCOUNTER

  1. Reassure your partner that you know what you're doing by correctly identifying her breasts and vagina early in the evening
  2. Straighten up the house by arranging animal bones usually strewn everywhere into tidy little pyramids
  3. Create a sense of fun without undercutting the sex vibe by training your dog to enter the room carrying a box of condoms in its mouth
  4. One thing that never fails is when I arrange all my Precious Moments figurines into various sexual positions and then show the girl and call it 'tonight's menu'
  5. Wear something that makes you feel strong, confident, and daring, like a single hornet on the tip of your penis
  6. During sex, start screaming 'Give me a son!' This will make the woman feel like you're serious about the relationship.
  7. One time this woman asked me if I was into role play. I said I'd never tried it, but was willing to give it a go
  8. She handed me a copy of 'Waiting for Godot' and said I'd be Vladimir and Estragon
  9. I asked if she was going to be Pozzo
  10. She said she was going to be the audience and I should just skip those parts
  11. So im doing this whole play, going back and forth talking to myself, and she's just watching
  12. And at one point her phone rang and she took the call
  13. So I stopped
  14. And she was like, No don't stop, this is part of it. This is so sexy
  15. So I kept going and after a few minutes she hung up the phone and kept watching
  16. When I was done I was like, that didn't feel sexy
  17. And she told me that phone call was her sister telling her that their high school choir teacher had committed suicide
  18. I was like, oh my god I'm so sorry
  19. And she was like, No this is still part of the role playing
  20. But then she took off pretty soon after that.
  21. So sometimes I wonder if she actually had the right idea about sexy role play
  22. And sometimes I wonder if we aren't still somehow role playing and at any moment she's going to jump out and we'll finally have sex.