HOW TO STAY PHYSICALLY FIT

  1. Develop the right attitude. Don't think about how hard it's going to be staying fit, anticipate the look of surprise on that Starbucks shift manager's face when he realizes you've tricked your way back into the store by drastically changing your appearance.
  2. Keep moving throughout the day by constantly trembling
  3. Get off the subway 2 or 3 stops before yours and push the train the rest of the way
  4. Take pride in minor accomplishments, like going a week without dipping your toothbrush in chocolate
  5. Keep a picture of Tom Hardy sneering on your fridge so when you're tempted to snack you'll have to face Tom Hardy's judgement first. This method works best if Tom Hardy is your estranged father
  6. Develop an allegiance to a fringe diet and talk about it so much that you become a friendless pariah too depressed to eat
  7. Take a brisk walk every day. Walk the same route at the same time. Wear the same outfit. Pass the same man walking the same dog at the same crosswalk at the same time everyday. Is that the same dog, actually? Or the same man at the same crosswalk with a different dog everyday? Is that possible? No, must be your imagination Right? Hello?