IN THE EVENT OF A ZOMBIE ATTACK

  1. For the purpose of this exercise we'll assume the attack takes place on the opposite side of the country from me
  2. I'd probably, right away, come up with a joke
  3. Maybe 'are we sure it's zombies and not actually a Scott Walker rally?
  4. Not that funny, kind of smug
  5. And I always feel like a fraud when I try to make a political joke
    I'm interested in politics the same way my dog is interested in her tail. I know it's there and important but don't really study it unless something terrible happens or I'm really bored
  6. I'd tweet that joke even though I don't love it
  7. Wait a couple minutes before checking for retweets or faves
  8. Receive neither
  9. Think about how no one on Twitter pays attention unless you're famous
  10. Then start feeling bad. real people are getting eaten by zombies, messed up to make light of that
  11. Delete tweet
  12. Avoid Twitter for 24 hours
  13. Login the next day and discover that someone I follow got 100 retweets for posting a picture from the attack and the caption 'lunchtime at the RNC'
    Also that person gets a lucrative development deal
  14. Sit outside as the sun goes down and feel bad for the Mosquitos swarming me, that they should be stuck drinking the blood of a loser