LORD OF THE RINGS FROM DONALD TRUMPS POINT OF VIEW

  1. First of all Sauron is a really fantastic guy, mordor was run beautifully, and by the way he only ever had the nicest things to say about me
  2. One day these little men, they call themselves hobbits but I don't care what they call themselves, I call them criminals, wander into mordor thinking they know better than Sauron how to run his kingdom and treat his people
  3. I won't get into the size of these hobbit guys but trust me I could say a lot, a lot more than there is of them
  4. And who is helping these hobbits but this Aragorn, this guy who turns out to be the king who has been in hiding. And everyone gets all excited, whoopie, but if you ask me, and you should, I don't trust a king who goes into hiding or whatever instead of taking responsibility for his kingdom
  5. I mean when my Atlantic City casinos were faltering I could have run away but I'm smart and responsible and I turned the whole thing into a profit, which I I've really gotten a lot of praise for
  6. The whole thing is a sad story and if you ask me that's not the middle earth I was raised in, that's not the middle earth I want going forward
  7. So what would I do? Well first thing I say we put a wall around Mordor and we take all the elves and hobbits and dwarves whatever else and we send them home
  8. And the good ones, the ones who earn it, they can come back. And the bad ones stay away and if they try to sneak back in they'll have the Uruk-hai to deal with and that's that
  9. Can I say also very quickly that elves look very feminine to me? And look I love women, im a huge fan of women, but these elves and their long hair give me the creeps