1. My darkest secret is that my real name isn't Tom Batten
  2. It's Troy
  3. Troy Trump
  4. I'm Donald Trump's bastard son
  5. He met my mother at my brother Eric's 5th birthday party
  6. She was the clown
  7. People don't know that my father has a clown fetish
  8. He can't see a clown without becoming overwhelmed by a sort of sexual hysteria
  9. I was raised by my mom, obviously
  10. I'd see my father once or twice a year. He'd come down to Clearwater to visit whenever he felt 'the red nose fever' as he calls it, coming on
  11. He'd give me eleven dollars and have his driver take me to Denny's while him and mom reacquainted themselves and afterwards he'd bond with me by bragging about his performance
  12. I always looked forward to his visits because I loved his driver, Darby
  13. Darby would give me advice about girls and stuff and tell me stories about when he was a professional pog player
  14. When I was 17 dad told me that when I turned 18 he'd give me 20 million dollars if I could do 100 push-ups in the 2:21 running time of the CCR song Fortunate Son
  15. If I failed I'd get nothing. Not a cent, ever
  16. I trained all year long until I could do 200 push-ups in 2:21
  17. And two days before my 18th birthday a funnel spider got loose at the Petco where I worked and bit me on the palm of my left hand
  18. It swelled horribly
  19. On my birthday my dad showed up with a boombox
  20. There was no way I could do the push-ups with my hand so swollen
  21. But I tried
  22. I did 78 push-ups
  23. Dad said he'd always known I was too weak
  24. A loser
  25. And I said, what do you know about me? You've never been a part of my life. Darby is more a father to me than you
  26. Dad said, I wish Darby was your father
  27. I said, me too
  28. Darby got real quiet
  29. I waited for him to say something
  30. Suddenly he dropped to the ground and started doing push-ups and singing Fortunate Son
  31. He did 100
  32. Dads like, Darby the deal is with him, not you
  33. 150
  34. Darby keeps going. Did he not hear him? Not care?
  35. 175
  36. Dropped dead
  37. Dad goes, we have to get rid of the body
  38. I was like, let's call 911
  39. Dad goes, I've always wanted to dispose of a body with my son. Junior is too weak. Eric would try to eat a body before he'd bury it
  40. He goes, help me dispose of this body and I'll give you 10 million dollars
  41. I said, gimme 20
  42. He goes, I'll give you 10 and an investment opportunity worth closer to a billion
  43. I took the deal
  44. I'm not going to say where we left Darby but if you know Florida you know there are lot of ways to get rid of a corpse
  45. The investment opportunity was TrumpStation
  46. Which was supposed to be a rival to PlayStation and Xbox
  47. All the games starred dad
  48. My favorite was this game Trump Bandicoot
  49. The system never got off the ground though. Dads skin tone was too hard to animate
  50. I lost 9 million dollars
  51. Spent the last million buying gifts for cam girls off their Amazon registries
  52. People think that's dumb
  53. But I think it's legitimately the most anyone in my family has ever done to make another person happy