MY FUTURE WIFE

  1. Is human
    Non negotiable
  2. Flosses regularly
  3. Has roughly the normal number of bones in her body
    She can be missing a couple but let's not overdo it
  4. Feels incredible sympathy for the ghosts in pac man
  5. Has a series of birthmarks on her left shoulder that when held beside the birthmarks on my right shoulder form a map to a hidden treasure
  6. Experiences time linearly
    Guess I'm old fashioned
  7. Doesn't lie about having read books she hasn't actually read
    Like I do
  8. Has the soulfulness of Linus, the imagination of Snoopy, Charlie Brown's kindness, Lucy's edge, and the vagina of a human adult