NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

  1. Floss my teeth more
  2. Floss your teeth more
  3. Please let me floss your teeth
  4. I'm gentle and thorough
  5. If it makes you more comfortable I'll wait until youre asleep and floss your teeth then
  6. Imagine waking up with nicely flossed teeth!
  7. Just leave me a key to your house and a general sense of when you go to bed
  8. Ultimately the plan is to start a blog about flossing
  9. And get that blog turned into a tv show where I would floss the teeth of celebrity guests
  10. People always ask me, Why are you so into flossing?
  11. They assume it's connected to my parents being fucked to death at an Eyes Wide Shut style orgy at a dental convention
  12. But really I just despise gum disease