PROS AND CONS OF BEING THE HUMAN MEMBER OF A PACK OF WOLVES

  1. Pro: being a member of an incredibly tight knit family unit
  2. Con: the biting
  3. Pro: an all natural diet
  4. Con: being treated like a moron because I can't kill an elk with my mouth
  5. Pro: living in nature, free from the distractions and obligations that keep people slaves to capitalism
  6. Con: my dream of becoming a DJ has totally stalled
  7. Pro: plenty of exercise every day
  8. Con: very few sexual boundaries
  9. Pro: having opposable thumbs and critical thinking skills gives me a certain status
  10. Con: the wolves use biting to express both appreciation and displeasure. I'm still not sure if they really love the wading pool I dug by the cave opening or really hate it.
  11. Pro: gnawing on bones is weirdly relaxing
  12. Con: I cannot stress enough how weird the sex stuff is. These wolves do not care that I'm human and don't seem to understand my objection to us being different species
  13. Pro: all the attention I get from scientists conducting field research is flattering
  14. Con: I'm afraid the student loan people might read one of these papers and figure out where I am