THE OFFENDING UNDIES

  1. In what was roughly the junior year of my meandering journey through college I accidentally signed up for a class called 'baseball literature' and instead of correcting the mistake decided to go with it
  2. I like baseball okay--mostly I like baseball movies--and thought it might be interesting
  3. The professor was notorious as the meanest man in the English dept at my school and we instantly butted heads. Not that we'd fight or whatever, but I think I was the only non-diehard baseball fanatic in the room and he seemed to resent me being there
    The kind of thing where I'd make some point in class and he's dismiss it and then someone else would say basically the same thing and he'd act like it was so great
  4. Anyway I was also failing this French class that semester
  5. I had to take 4 semesters of French as an English major and I think my record of doing so without ever passing a single exam will stand for a long time
    That's a whole other story
  6. One day I was walking to French class to take a midterm, running a little late, when my boxer shorts began to aggravate me
  7. They were twisted or bunched somehow, or it might have been the texture. Whatever, I knew I'd never be able to concentrate with these things doing whatever they were doing
  8. So with minutes to spare before class began I ran into the men's room, thinking id take the offending undies off and stow them in my bag
  9. But when I got into the bathroom and went into a stall I saw that the there was filthy water all over the floor, which meant I wouldn't be able to take my pants off without getting them wet
  10. But at this point there was no turning back
  11. And I was about to be late for class
  12. So I grabbed my underwear by the seam and with a mighty cry tore at them with all my might until they ripped and split and came away from my body
  13. I got my pants on and now in a big hurry burst from the stall, ragged boxers in hand
  14. And saw my baseball prof, frozen in terror against the far wall
  15. Think about what this guy experienced that day. He walks into the bathroom and hears yelling and a weird scream come from the stall, then I burst out holding underwear in my hand
  16. The dude was white as a sheet
  17. We locked eyes and he said 'this never happened'
  18. And I nodded, tossed my underwear in the trash, and ran to class