THINGS I WOULD DO MY FIRST DAY AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

  1. Freak out and probably throw up
    Because I'm not qualified, this is crazy
  2. Make Neutral Milk Hotel's In The Aeroplane Over the Sea the new national anthen
    Not just that song, the whole album.
  3. Have them put a scene in the new Star Wars movie where Han and Leia's kid is brash and they look at each other and say 'she takes after you' simultaneously
  4. Call Julia and ask her if she still thinks marrying a Navy fighter pilot over me was a good idea now that I'm technically her husbands boss
  5. Cut funding to the Navy
  6. Make a new law where any civilian with a concealed carry license must also wear a bell around their neck
    Like a kitty
  7. Wonder if maybe cutting funding to the Navy was a good idea
    No fuck it Julia made her choice
  8. Put Patti Smith on the 20 dollar bill
  9. Check Julia's FB page to see if she's mad or what
  10. Guiltily offer Julia's husband a job as one of my advisers
  11. Watch Step Brothers/Tinder/bed