TRAINING YOUR DOG

  1. Choose a name for your dog that's easy to remember. If you forget its name you can always glance at its tags while pretending to adjust the size of its collar but if the dog catches you doing this it'll be embarrassing
  2. Smear a little peanut butter on one of those elf on a shelf dolls and record your dog licking it off. Then show your dog the tape and threaten to put the footage on YouTube if the dog doesn't behave.
  3. Let our dog watch every episode of Narcos but the finale and tell her she has to earn that one
  4. Teach your dog tricks in stages. First make him sit before eating. Once he can sit, teach him shake. Once he can shake make him roll over. Once he can roll over teach him to forge passports. Once he can forge passports report him to homeland security. You'll be a hero.