WAYS I'VE LOST FINGERS, RANKED

  1. 1.
    Bitten off by tiger
  2. 2.
    Self-amputated in melodramatic rejection of marriage as indentured servitude
  3. 3.
    Lost experimenting with new way to remove mittens
  4. 4.
    Mailed to Elizabeth Banks in custom wooden box
    It doesn't matter if it makes no sense to you, I have a feeling it'll make perfect sense to her
  5. 5.
    Twisted off trying to undo bra clasp for the first time
    I offered the paramedics $20 to wait for me to finish losing my virginity before hauling me off but they said they could get in trouble
  6. 6.
    Clipped off and hurled at Mike Love
    If you get the chance to hurl something at Mike Love, you take it
  7. 7.
    Simply misplaced
  8. 8.
    Magic trick gone awry
    I gave that kids mom her deposit back but she still went on Yelp and said I ruined the party