WAYS MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT NOW THAT I'VE BEEN IN THE NEW YORKER

  1. First of all my acne cleared up the moment the piece posted to the website
  2. Then every woman who ever broke my heart texted me to say their husbands had died and that they think of me often and know they made a mistake
  3. Birds keep landing before me and bowing as though I'm their master
  4. Then i got an email saying that instead of the standard payment for the piece I could opt for one of the unpublished JD Salinger stories that he bequeathed to the magazine after his death
  5. I took the story
  6. It was written in 1999 and it's a sequel to 'A Perfect Day for Bananafish'
  7. It's called 'Seymour's Quest'
  8. It's about Seymour Glass—who is now a ghost—going around Manhattan watching living women eat lunch
  9. He starts off watching a woman eat a salad but he's not into it
  10. He wanders into a Thai restaurant and watches a waitress eat drunken noodles on her lunch break
  11. Another ghost shows up to watch her eat and this new ghost and Seymour argue because the new ghost says the waitress is his turf
  12. Seymour splits and he's all upset because now it's almost 1pm and soon the lunch hour will be over, there won't be any women to watch eating until evening
  13. As he walks around the city Seymour reflects on his death and reveals that the reason he killed himself is because he's super scared of Jerusalem crickets and he thought he saw one in his hotel room
  14. Then he spots a woman standing in line at a hot dog cart and the story ends with him anxiously waiting for her to place her order and chow down
  15. I kind of wish I'd taken the cash