WHAT I IMAGINE HAPPENED TO MY RECENT AMAZON ORDER

Thanks for shopping Amazon
  1. Package received by carrier
  2. Package out for delivery
  3. Carrier debating whether he should just come out and tell Beth he doesn't want her to take the job in Memphis
  4. Carrier has called Beth and left her message asking her to call him back when she can
  5. Carrier on phone with brother arguing over whether he has any right to ask Beth to stay
  6. Carrier has hung up in brother and feels guilty for losing his temper
  7. Carrier has decided to forgo calling brother to apologize after noting that phone has 20% charge remaining
  8. Carrier wondering if Beth would still be leaving if he'd at least applied got management position last year
  9. Carrier has decided that if a better job is what it would take than he's better off without her and should find someone who will accept him as he is
  10. Carrier listing women he will attempt to sleep with once Beth is gone
  11. Carrier wondering if Heather Bowen is still married
  12. Carrier has pulled into shopping center and parked in front of Kroger to look for Heather Bowen on Facebook
  13. Carrier has realized he has no desire to sleep with any woman other than Beth
  14. Carrier texting Beth
  15. Carrier has been notified that Beth is busy at work and will call him afterwards if she is not too tired
  16. Carrier has noticed that the comic book store beside the Kroger is now a liquor store and grimly reflected on the irony that the changing storefronts reflect the evolution of his own interests
  17. Carrier has purchased bourbon
  18. Truck moved to shady area at far side of shopping center
  19. Bourbon partially consumed
  20. Carrier has noticed a small blonde boy walking across the parking lot with his mother and is wondering if he would make a good father
  21. Carrier has texted Beth asking if she thinks he would make good father, adding that she would be an excellent mother
  22. Carrier regrets text
  23. Three pulsating dots on Carrier's phone screen indicate that Beth is composing a reply
  24. Carrier's phone has died
  25. Phone thrown and retrieved
  26. Carrier has entered Kroger in search of phone charger
  27. Carrier has given up finding phone charger on his own and asked female employee to direct him
  28. Carrier informed that Kroger does not carry phone chargers
  29. Carrier incredulous
  30. Assistant manager summoned
  31. Carrier aware that assistant manager has no control over inventory buy resents assistant managers tone nonetheless
  32. Security callee
  33. Carrier has returned to truck
  34. Remaining bourbon consumed
  35. Carrier picking through packages in truck wondering if any contain phone charger
  36. Package fondled
  37. Package opened
  38. Contents of package deemed frivolous
  39. Carrier reflecting on how some folks find a thing they want and pay to have to delivered to their doorstep and some people find the thing they want only for it to run far away
  40. Carrier has realized he is drunk
  41. Carrier has attempted to restore package to approximation of unopened state
  42. Package severely damaged
  43. Carrier wondering how Beth would resolve situation
  44. Carrier has realized that Beth would react to current predicament with horror and shamr
  45. Carrier has decided that Beth will be better off in Memphis
  46. Carrier imagining Beth in Memphis, falling in love with someone new
  47. Carrier imagining Beth and new boyfriend painting kitchen in apartment they will share
  48. Beth and imaginary boyfriend imagined playfully flicking paint at one another
  49. Carrier has tried thinking of something else
  50. Carrier overwhelmed by detailed mental image of Beth being penetrated by imaginary boyfriend
  51. Imaginary Beth has achieved satisfying orgasm
  52. Carrier imagining Beth making post-coital declarations of love to new boyfriend using same language once used to express same to Carrier
  53. Beth thought of as bitch
  54. Package discarded in dumpster behind Kroger
  55. Dumpster punched
  56. Carrier has returned to route and resolved to send Beth expensive bouquet of flowers
  57. Package en route to municipal dump